THINGS YOU CAN EXPECT FROM MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS

 

  • Kenneth Branagh casting himself as the lead in his own movie;
  • Close-ups of Kenneth Branagh;
  • Lots of close-ups of Kenneth Branagh;
  • A moustache that alone merited this movie being made in 3D;
  • A moustache-guard (to be fair, no one expected this);
  • The most British Belgian the world has ever seen;
  • Aristocrats fawning over Hercule Poirot, the self-ascribed greatest detective in the world;
  • A lack of concern for the sanctity of ancient localities (here, of all things, Jerusalem’s Western Wall and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre);
  • Famous British actors who felt like a bit of a jaunt in Europe (Judi Dench, Daisy Ridley, Olivia Colman, Derek Jacobi);
  • Famous American actors who hadn’t been in a good movie in a while (Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer);
  • Famous actors who should have known better (Willem Dafoe, Penelope Cruz, Josh Gad);
  • Actors who are just there to provide exposition and make everyone else look like they aren’t overacting (Tom Bateman);
  • Talented stage performers hoping for some crossover cred (Leslie Odom Jr., Sergei Polunin);
  • Forgoing the opportunity to allow Leslie Odom Jr. to sing even a note;
  • Disappointed Hamilton fans the world over;
  • A murder – roll credits;
  • A limited allotment of suspects, discounting the wait staff who could just as well have frozen to death from hypothermia for all anyone on the train cared;
  • At least one scene between Kenneth Branagh and every one of the dozen or so actors who warranted their names being crammed onto the poster;
  • Obligatory group shots for the Oscar nominations no one’s going to get;
  • A group shot ludicrously evoking the likeness of a famous painting, because Kenneth Branagh;
  • CGI landscapes, given the deficit of snowy plains in Europe;
  • Outrageous conclusions drawn from empirical, inconclusive, hypothetical and/or entirely tangential happenstances;
  • Being hit over the head with the possibility of a sequel in the most ‘I see what you did there’ of ‘I see what you did there’ moments; and
  • Agatha Christie fans everywhere politely suggesting their friends google David Suchet.

 

Murder on the Orient Express is in cinemas from November 9